Freak Out Stay Cool
by break.your.bones.mr.jones
Summary: Unknown at the moment...it's like a diary but in a manly way. Let's call it a Top Secret Book For the Public Regarding Conspiracies (a.k.a. Tweek's ideas. In a diary. But it's not a diary. It's a journal. 'Cause guys write in journals. And Tweek's a boy. He means man. Now he won't talk to me. I should probably stop now.) It's an adventurous story that goes everywhere. I went there.
1. Supernova'd

Lately, I've been working on this theory.

If the sun were to beam down, I wouldn't want to be anywhere and I wouldn't be sad to be anywhere else. I'd just be stuck in this endless limbo. And then it's like I wouldn't be happy about it or sad. It'd just be kinda…whatever.

If I were to say that it would kill me, then I'd totally be breaking my rules, wouldn't I? Logic sucks…but what if I can't think anything sucks? What if everything is just…_average._ What if I'm average?

I can't possibly be average. No. But what is average?

Also! IF god exists, why in hell would he make such boring people? I sit and listen to my parents friends. They talk about all this crap and they're like "I ate this wonderful cheese. It was cheap too." And everyone nods in interest. And they ask "Where did you get it?" and, no shit, they're sincere. "At the new bakery downtown." And then. "They carry cheese there?" And "Yes, I was surprised too."

Then I come in and am all like "Is that the bakery in place of where the old drugstore used to be?" and they answer with "Yes. What a nice man who used to run that place." 'cause I know I'm right. "I've got a funny story to tell. The man who used to run the drugstore was actually a mental patient at the hospital right above. Old habits die hard, I guess, 'cause he did end up subscribing himself to over thirty of those drugs over the course of 1965 to 1976. Eventually, the pills got the better of him and he imagined his dead wife on the face of teenage boy…he began to think that he could create anything he wanted and why would he create anything at all with nothing so he OD'd on medication. God complex."

'Cept. I didn't say that…I said "H-he couldn't li-live with the f-fact that where h-he ca-came from was un-unknown." And twitched. My parents tried hard to live with the fact that they had no idea where I got that from.

So. I guess I'm not average.

Maybe I won't be in limbo. But I could be in hell…if that were to exist.

See, this is why my theory is a working process.


	2. After the Bombs Subside

_ So, what now?_ He thinks to himself, mentally scarred and disturbed. He adjusts his out of place hair, somehow more out of place and stares down into the abyss. He's trying to stay calm and get help. But he's paralyzed and everything seems to lock into a never changing state.

"No…" he grumbles to himself. Of course no one's out there to help, it's 2:31 in the morning and if they were all like him, they'd be sleeping like babies. Which is pretty fucked up, 'cause most babies don't sleep. But then, how would _he_ remember? And no one in the world is as shitfaced as he is right now, so they can't _possibly _be him. And, if you think of_the population of South Park, it's about 610 people…then, you've got to calculate the women vs. men, which is about 50/50. But the women are 1.3 times more likely to have insomnia, so half of 610 is 305…then 22% of people really experience insomnia so that means that 67.1 of the people have insomnia in South Park, but that's nuts! You can't have .1 of a person…you could, I guess, but that would imply somehow that the person was cut up or some shit like that…Jesus…that's creepy. What if that's what these dudes that landed in this crater are going to do? Fuck! What if, what if it's some crazy shit like on the X-Files and it's really the government that's going to cut us up? That sounds unreasonably painful! And for what? So they can start a nuclear war and wipe everyone out but cockroaches?! What are we supposed to do? Plea dead? And then the cockroaches are going to make a new race! Huge ass cockroaches, they'd grow in size from the atomic bomb! What would they eat? Themselves?! That's so fu-_

Sorry. I had to stop his ranting. We would have gone from apples to how his neighbor can infiltrate the system and destroy all mankind. Kid's favorite move is Hackers.

Anyhow. No one would believe this child because he was known to make up tales, or "see things" that weren't there.

This time, though, he was right.


	3. Soldier, You're A Bit Peckish

"And then _bachong_! Down goes the soldier, you shoulda seen me, dude, I was on fi-yah!" Chattered a kid who mystically shoved food in his mouth, well still being able to hold a conversation.

"That's very uninteresting." The muffled groans of a kid could be heard from a cold and disgusting plastic table.

"Sorry, what's that? I can't hear you when you're making out with the table." Food miraculously never came out of this guy's mouth…only went in…

"I'm sorry, what was that? I can't hear you when you're giving your taco a blowjob."

"Ooooh. Ouch." Laughed a guy who got lettuce thrown in his face, but kept chuckling.

Just then, a frantic face burst through the door, tripping and falling on the floor (where he was better off being face to face then the table) and recovering without hesitation.

"Guys!" Wide eyed and jittery. More jittery than normal. Overcome with jitteriness. The three sitting at the filthy table looked up to see their paranoid friend.

"Hey, Tweek. Join us for some coffee?" Taunted the guy with his head on the table. Tweek glared suspiciously at him.

"Wh-what? Are you trying to ge-get me killed?!" He shouted angrily. His eyes widened even more than anyone ever thought was possible. "You know!" and with that he screamed and ran out the door. But everyone was used to this and went on with their business. The three boys looked out the greasy window. Tweek ran in circles for a while, stopped to catch his breath and decided to relax in the road.

"Token, I _believe_ it's your turn." The taco boy licked his fingers and stated firmly. The other kid picked lettuce out of his jacket and sighed.

"My ass it's my turn." He mumbled incoherently as he left his seat and followed the path that led to Tweek.

Both kids left watched out the window as Token approached Tweek with caution. Tweek had his eyes shut as Token tried to coax him back inside, saying reassuring things that no way in hell were true.

"What do ya think, Craig?" The taco boy asked joyously. Craig looked up confused.

"What?" He muttered with a brow curved downwards.

"You're quite the scary guy. What do ya think?" He asked, like Bob Barker would talk on the Price is Right.

"Of?" He growled, obviously annoyed. The taco kid sighed, throwing his hands in the air.

"I can't work like this." He left the table. "I'm out. Call me later. When you care!" He made a peace symbol and walked out the door. Craig looked out the window to find Token and Tweek no longer in the road. He heaved a sigh of disdain as the two he was thinking of walked through the door.

"Dude, Craig doesn't have _anything _to do with that crater." Token said in a soothing manner. Craig narrowed his eyes and glared at Tweek.

"To-token! He's staring at m-me!" Tweek looked up, pleading to the sky. "Sweet jesus…" His voice, barely audible as he clenched his hands together. Token looked the kid who was completely mental and then back to Craig.

"Craig. Come off it." He said as he made Tweek sit down next to Craig. Tweek twitched, his right leg moving uncontrollably fast, then his left leg slow, then his right leg for three minutes. Token sat himself down. "Where'd Clyde go?"

"…they've taken him." Craig said. Tweek looked around, completely neurotic.

"Knock it off." Token warned as he kicked Craig's shin.

"No, man. I'm serious. Dead serious. I was going to call someone, but I don't really care…" He had the ability to stare someone down until they believed him.

"Jesus!" Tweek chirped, like a hiccup. Now, both his legs were moving faster. Craig reached over and pat Tweek's matted hair. He yelped and blushed madly with panic. "Hannibal! You're ju-_just_ like Hannibal! Ye-you want to make clo-clothes out of m-my flesh!" He screamed and ran out. Token glared and kicked Craig's shin again. Craig laughed joyously. Life could be good. Token ran after Tweek, shouting that karma was a bitch and Craig better watch out.


End file.
